Not even sure if I should hit post

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about motherhood lately.  I have 7 friends (yes, 7) who are pregnant right now and a lot of advice is being asked.  This hardest question I’ve been asked and the one I’m not sure how to answer is… Is it what you expected? 

My best answer is yes…and no.

The yes part is…it’s wonderful. I’ve have never been so happy, my heart so full of love that it wants to burst and my eyes fill up with tears just thinking of my little James. I have so much gratitude for being able to get pregnant, stay pregnant, to have a healthy pregnancy, healthy baby, who (hands down) is one of the cutest babies I’ve ever laid eyes on (a mother's bias-sorry). 

The No part is…it is SO DAMN HARD.  I often find myself wishfully thinking about the days before I became a mommy.   Thinking about my quiet, organized, carefully decorated house, sleeping in on Saturday mornings, going out with my friends, fancy dinners out with Pete, my size 2 body, hard fought by hours on the treadmill.  Longingly…I think about these things and it feels like a terrible loss. 

I cringe while writing this; because I know there will be judgment (pause for personal-judgment).  I also know that many moms feel this way and feel guilty for saying/feeling it. Well, this is my blog…and I’m going to say it, for all the moms who read this, who want to talk about it, and don’t.  I know if James ever reads this, he will understand that in no way does this mean I don’t love him and don’t love being his mom…because I do, but it is SO DAMN HARD.

When I think about motherhood, it is a lot like being a teenager again, but instead of staring at the glossy photos in Teen magazine, wishing I had bigger boobs, my legs were thinner, I had cooler clothes or straighter teeth, I instead torture myself by comparing “me” to all the moms in the park or at the mall, with their perfectly quiet and calm newborns who only sleep and nurse. I compared myself to my mommy-friends, who seemed to have it all figured out.  I read all the mommy bloggers who, actually make the things I repin on Pinterest, prepare their own baby food, learn to take professional photographs, sew, cook (I dabble at the baby food making but other than that I hire out the rest).

Motherhood has made me feel self-conscious and weak; qualities I never would have put with my name.  I pride myself on being strong, confident, both emotionally and physically. I’m not a crier… never have been…until I became a mom. I sobbed because I couldn’t nurse, I cried daily because he I couldn’t calm him, I cried weekly because I felt alone, like I was failing him.  THIS is not what I expected. 

My pregnancy was straight out of “What to expect, when you are expecting”…my son, however…there was no manual for this.

I felt this way for the first 5 months and then a friend sent me this link, www.momastery.com, and after reading a few of the posts I started to see things differently, I started to ease up on the self-criticism and self-doubt. I started to realize that all other moms don’t have it figured out and babies are not easy, even if they appear to be.  I realized that I don’t have PPD (anymore ;) and that it’s okay to have days that you want hide and throw up your hands in surrender. All of that is okay…and normal.  So just laugh at your sweet, beautiful, red faced, little person who is screaming at the top of his lungs in the line at Target.  What else can you do?  :)

So I hope, if you are feeling this way new mommys, you will check out www.momastery.com or talk to your best friend or (me!) about how you are feeling. I can assure you, you are one of many with these thoughts.

So yes, it’s hard and it’s okay that is hard because it’s worth it (like most things in life). James has taught me more about myself in the last 8 months then anyone in my last 30 years. He has shown me my weaknesses (and how to conquer them), my strengths (and how to nurture them) and most important how much I can love.  It's brutal & beautiful- it's BRUTIFUL and that's what to expect.

I’m hitting post….